I'm Back!!!

So I promised tales of Mary...

And I'll keep that promise but not today I'm afraid. Today is about shirking anonimity and challenging myself to reflect on why I've been AWOL.

Sheer Panic.

Massively understates how I reacted when I realised that someone from my 'normal life' had added me to their Google+ profile! Shock. Horror. How did they find me? Where was the link? Suddenly there was a solid connection between the persona that the world sees of me every day, and the me that had been baring my soul - or my version of that online!! I can guarantee that that person probably didn't read my blog. They were no doubt blissfully unaware of the chaos that my little world had just spiralled into.

Profile Photo... Deleted!!

I frantically tried to get rid of any recognisable trace of me. Uncomfortable with how awareness of my blog may affect my life, and peoples perceptions of me. Ironic... considering I encourage as many people as possible to read it, but the difference is that I feel that a stranger online, or my new acquaintances, have nothing to judge! We undoubtedly have similar challenges, and interests, and will hopefully have some gems that we can share with each other, and that I can learn from too! But I allowed that one blissfully unaware person, and the thought of the loss of that anonymity, to make me scarper from anything online, and turn my back on something that has been helping me to develop, learn, and that I genuinely enjoy.

Hence no blogging since March. 

Of all my posts so far... this is the one that has stumped me. It's hard to verbalise, what some may consider to be an irrational fear - of a journey regarding health - becoming more common knowledge in my real world, and how that has made me feel. It definitely felt like a loss of control. It's also prompting bigger topics in my thoughts, about how health can not only affect your life, but the opportunities that others may or may not be prepared to give you or involve you in, on the basis of that.

There is soooo much to catch up on!! I've moved countries, had a couple more mountains to climb and conquered a few too!! 

For now... I'm considering how I can keep achieving in all the areas of my life - and begin to incorporate both the online and 'real' worlds! Any tips? 

Everyone has a Story.

Slurring to Superwoman... The Journey. So where am I with that??

Firmly on my way to Superwoman, or rather 'my version'. Thats where! The learning curve has been rapid, the progress a little glitchy, and rather than the end being in sight, I now accept that this is a way of life, and hopefully a never ending curve of (and opportunity to) improving myself.

My greatest challenge has been mental. I made it back to the gym in January.

I was nervous, self conscious, slightly embarrassed, sceptical of my abilities and fearful of causing myself harm  - I struggle to define the line between motivation and stupidity, and exercise no matter what level you are at, is all about it being hard. That's what gives results! But taking a step back... the night before I was admitted to hospital last year, I made it to the gym. Feeling quite frankly - horrific. I told myself that results come from going when you least want to... and bob's your uncle the next morning the face droop added to the slurring of speech - and this story started. Now I don't doubt that I would have had the same symptoms the next day with or without the gym that night... but it all added to the fear factor.  

Without labouring how mortified I felt,

I just wanted to give up after the first day. Don't get me wrong, when I was given the go ahead for a little exercise last year - my limit of 5 minutes on the cross trainer actually had the soles of my feet shaking - I knew that I had already come a long way. But I struggled to lift a 2KG weight on each arm. 2KG.... I think your granny could do that!! I was absolutely sure that people were thinking how pathetic an effort it was. 

Another belter of a boyfriend comment.

If you've read my other posts, you will know that my bloke often comes out with an incredibly motivational peach of a line. This was another of those! Talking about how frustrated I felt, he reassured me, simply by saying that the number on the weight means something only to me. My muscles don't recognise a number, they simply recognise that they are working... and in time will get stronger - at which point I increase  that number on the weight. It quite simply carved out a way forward for me, mentally. 

The next hurdle was simply to keep going. Followed by realisation that everyone has a story, whether you know it or not. Yes I'm sure that some people thought that my level of effort appeared low, but that was their perception, not the reality!! 

The glitches are there, 

I started patchily, and avoided the mirror for fear of an uneven smile - now I can lift 8KG on each arm... 4 times where I started 2 months ago!!!!! Most importantly, I feel stronger and healthy. I spent a day skiing this week, if I hadn't started that gym journey I would never have managed - and what's better for your soul than spectacular sunshine and a view of the Scottish Mountains!

There have been quite a few magical moments

that I would like to tell you about. I don't know if I have more of these now, or just now notice them.... but Mary - a late 80 year old little angel, made of sterner stuff than Kevlar and with a heart of gold will be my next tale. This lady both humbles and motivates you just by being her! 

But that's it for now. Will tell you all about Mary soon...