Different versions of me... Before I reach the best.

I guess Ive been a number of different people in my life so far.

Academically, Ive never struggled. Ive been the girl that was severely bullied from the age of 5 until the age of 18 as a result, and became overly tough to compensate. Which I guess created its own problems.

Ive been the cool girl too... I'm not overly sure who she was, a little bit of me and a little bit of the expected me.

There were glimpses of the real me, that quickly retreated into the shadows as I wasn't mature enough to rationalise the reactions of some particularly nasty people that I came across. Maybe they were acting out a persona too - as a result of their own environments.

Ive been the fat girl. Ive been the thin girl. Ive been the sugar addicted girl. But never the particularly well girl.

Ive been the fit and strong girl, and the sick girl.

Ive made good decisions, and Ive made bad decisions, but everything has led me to where I am now.

Where has that been for the past 2 years?

The most challenging but eye opening time of my life... and in retrospect I consider myself lucky that it's happened while I'm so young! Why? Because I was forced into a decision. That decision was whether to learn about and embrace 'the immense personal power that we have to determine our own health and fitness', or whether to accept an illness and a lifetime of deterioration whilst following and never questioning the generic medicinal routes (including side effects) of today that are accepted as the norm. And I still have a whole lifetime to learn about it and live as a truly well person!

So why am I talking about being bullied, or not being myself, or eating too much sugar, or even being thin? Because every element of that contributes to a person's overall 'wellness'. 

When I munched away on pick'n'mix and sherbet dib dabs, I was feeding disease. Whilst at my fittest and strongest, my body was a bundle of inflammation and stress; I was eating what my perception of healthy was because it resulted in me being slim, but I wasn't actually feeding my body with true knowledge about how to optimise its performance and prevent disease. (Which is happening!)

I lived on nervous energy and 4 hours sleep, little did I know about the actual science behind a good nights sleep. I got sick. 

I had developed such a strong persona  of 'me' that I had lost the actual real me, and the things that are fundamentally what define me as a person, and hadn't a clue about how this can influence your health.

Now I try to achieve a balance in every aspect of my days, I eat cleanly and specifically to reduce the inflammation in my body and brain. Meditation is not the hippy dippy humming that I once thought it was, and I don't waste every day worrying about being worried. As opposed to hammering myself in the gym, I have a very balanced approach to strength and cardio that is helping to build stamina and reduce fatigue. Instead of having the strongest 'career girl' image that I could, Im still doing a great job but challenging myself to talk about what is actually happening in my life and be myself. (That's what this blog is about!). I play the piano again, which is a defining part of me too.

Im not perfect. But I'm trying to learn as much as I can to be the best version of me. 

What frustrates me? When people talk about their illness, and aren't ready to help themselves.

Ive had it all, 'You can't be that sick to be able to heal yourself with food', 'You might be able to do that but I suffer from this, this, this and this and I couldn't do that because....'

Let's be clear. I spoke with a slur, had a droopy face, walked with a limp, lost my train of thought mid sentence all the time, and couldn't stand for long. I don't anymore...

But I do understand that society has taught us to accept this and to medicate, and that it is easier to accept our own excuses for fear of perhaps failing, than striving to do it the natural way. Illness can be all consuming. It's tough to take the first steps.

We are encouraged not to understand our primal abilities to work towards and achieve a supreme level of health. I've only turned the first couple of corners, but I'm excited about the rest of the way!

My neurologist is an absolute gem of a man, but he refuses to discuss the effects that nutrition has had on my MS. He is delighted at the lack of new lesions, he is astounded that those on my brain have reduced a little in size. And says that this is simply not possible without medication.

But I HAVE done it. I have plenty of hiccups on the way, but hate to think where I would be if I hadn't begun this journey.

I'm no longer slurring, and have a snippet of superwoman! 

When the time is right, and you are ready to give it a go... You CAN do it too. 

Its all about the balance.

Dragging my bag of bricks out of bed, 

washing down a couple of Nurofen Plus with a swig of water, the bricks would feel marginally more feather like, and I would get on with my day. Focused on achieving, I wouldn't stop to hear my body screaming at me, and would do just that - achieve. Glancing at my watch and working back how much time I had to fit everything in - I'd throw myself into the gym - push until the sweat was dripping off me, and zoom back home to get ready. Some days I would get ready to go to a friends for dinner, some days it was another night out. Knocking back the painkillers I used to get through it until sheer exhaustion made me sleep.

Loving my friends. I literally would drop everything and drive an hour to help one out. 

Not once did I consider if they would ever return the favour. 

Not once did I consider why I ached so much. 

I thought that everyone did.

Fast forward. 

I am absolutely not perfect, and not quite where I want to be. But I'm truly content in each and every moment of that journey. I still love my friends and would do anything for them, but I do it for those that actually love me too. A few have dropped out on the way, those that weren't happy that I no longer physically killed myself to drive to them when I ached. Not once did they actually digest the reasons why - or it even occur to them that they could have tried. I wish them the best! But I've drawn the line. Ive consciously surrounded myself by people that care. I still love to train! But no longer do I push my body until a droopy smile is the only warning sign that I listen to. I live a balanced life. I still love a night out, but never to the extreme. Nutritionally, socially, mindfully, physically, its all in sync. Sometimes the balance tips a bit - but the fact that I'm tuned in to my body now means that I rapidly readjust. And the result? 

I can't remember the last time I took painkillers. 

I let myself have downtime.

I don't live in a whirlwind of anxiety. I'm happy.

Now I'm learning and opening my mind every day.

So heres the killer statement. MS. Is my gift. 

MS, Demyelination, whatever label you want to give it. It made me stop and start to live my life. I could never have kept up the life I lived before, and unfortunately I ignored every sign my body gave me until I was ambulanced away with a suspected stroke and this journey began. No I'm not a tree hugging angel that never has a down day, I'm a real person with peaks and troughs. But I won't invite negativity into my life. 

Early on in this journey, I met a really lovely guy with MS, who told me that he used to be like me with a good job and life... but that I would eventually accept that I had to give up my career and start walking with a stick. A confusing message that didn't help. 

I will never deliver that same message. 

I welcome the opportunity to learn from others, I wouldn't have got this far without them. And not everyone is in the same place, thats cool. But I refuse to live in a constant stream of drug induced side effects - Ive taken ownership for my life and in doing so started to live it. 

Oh and by the way. I deadlift at the gym and still achieve. You def can too! 

Feel it, Acknowledge it, and Open Your Eyes!!

The only way to describe Mary.... 

Is the stereotypical (although no less magical) image of a frail and ageing lady. Think of a Roald Dahl   masterpiece, depicting a frail and tiny little thing, shoulders slightly hunched, and so slight that when sat in an arm chair - she looked like a character from the set of Tom Thumb. Her legs dangling slightly from the chair, her face heavily creased with life, teeth slightly blackened and far fewer than there had been in her hay day. Her hair, wispy and barely there - but never the less -  combed to perfection. 

But the day that I met Mary, she wasn't sitting in the comfort of an Arm Chair.

Nor did she have the privileged life of a character from a story book. Stuck in London traffic with my boyfriend, we were crawling along, on a pretty bright and airy day. His attention had been
caught by something, and I could see his glance return repeatedly, finally saying that he didn't think the lady by the road was ok. I followed his gaze.... and there she was. That frail little character, with one huge shopping bag on her arm, leaning forward to step from the roadside curb, then her confidence failing her - leaning back to avoid taking that step. Again and again she tried and failed. 

Whipping the car out of the traffic, we set out to see if she was ok. 

Swiftly deciding that a 6"2 male stranger had potential to intimidate the  5" nothing little lady, I stepped out of the car and over to see that she was alright. She had tears in her eyes when she realised that she wasn't alone, and graciously accepted my help. Feeling how unsteady and seeing how weak she was - I gently told her that she could trust me, and that I would drive her home. I'm glad that she did. 

Only being able to describe it as scooping her into the car, strapping her in, (my boyfriend got out and went on his way to the shops) thats where our new friendship began. 

We both were keen to find out about each other! 

Mary was a real chatterbox, and my heart ached a little at her enthusiasm to take that opportunity to talk - despite how fatigued she was. We swapped stories of where we were from, how old, and within the space of 5 minutes she had told me that she was 89, and currently having chemotherapy. My jaw nearly dropped, and heart ached a little more at the way she swept her own challenges aside, and homed in on me! Saying that I was so sorry to hear that, she dismissed it and began asking if my health was good, expressing her greatest wishes hoping that it was! Faced with the aftermath of her most recent chemo, we realised that Mary had walked for nearly 2 miles with a bag that may as well have been a lead weight, was so exhausted she was terrified to step from the curb (did I say... she's 89 ?!). Yet she sat next to me chattering away in a mild cockney accent, and saying that she was alright, that I was what mattered.

Back to earth with a bang! 

That was me. Moments before, I'd had a (prolonged) moment of self indulgence. I was tired, had a cold, in the aftermath of the neuro flare up, and decided that I was fed up and going to feel that way. And with a bolt of magic - Mary appeared. Kind, struggling, and oozing empathy! Now Im a fan of a bit of self pity, its healthy to acknowledge it, wallow for a while, and I'm 100% not saying that you should never let yourself feel that way! What I am saying, and aiming to do, is to allow it, acknowledge it, but only if I consciously open my eyes at the same time.

Cup half empty or full... on steroids.

Allowing and acknowledging it, allows me start to process the 'it', the feeling, the worry. Literally letting me digest it, take the good that I can and get rid of the negativity! By opening my eyes, I may not always come across a self-less little character like Mary to bump me into the reality of seeing the positive things in my life, but I do promise that it lets me see some brightness, consider what I love doing, and absorb the lesson or positive of whatever challenge has had me feeling blue - shake it up with some reality, and results in a stronger (and happier) me. The more I practise, the more I see.

When I was still in London, I used to visit Mary for a cup of tea. She never ceased to amaze me, and made me laugh with her lectures to Alan about us not getting any younger. There were tears when we moved!

Maybe you have your Mary round the corner? Open your eyes and say hello. :)

I'm Back!!!

So I promised tales of Mary...

And I'll keep that promise but not today I'm afraid. Today is about shirking anonimity and challenging myself to reflect on why I've been AWOL.

Sheer Panic.

Massively understates how I reacted when I realised that someone from my 'normal life' had added me to their Google+ profile! Shock. Horror. How did they find me? Where was the link? Suddenly there was a solid connection between the persona that the world sees of me every day, and the me that had been baring my soul - or my version of that online!! I can guarantee that that person probably didn't read my blog. They were no doubt blissfully unaware of the chaos that my little world had just spiralled into.

Profile Photo... Deleted!!

I frantically tried to get rid of any recognisable trace of me. Uncomfortable with how awareness of my blog may affect my life, and peoples perceptions of me. Ironic... considering I encourage as many people as possible to read it, but the difference is that I feel that a stranger online, or my new acquaintances, have nothing to judge! We undoubtedly have similar challenges, and interests, and will hopefully have some gems that we can share with each other, and that I can learn from too! But I allowed that one blissfully unaware person, and the thought of the loss of that anonymity, to make me scarper from anything online, and turn my back on something that has been helping me to develop, learn, and that I genuinely enjoy.

Hence no blogging since March. 

Of all my posts so far... this is the one that has stumped me. It's hard to verbalise, what some may consider to be an irrational fear - of a journey regarding health - becoming more common knowledge in my real world, and how that has made me feel. It definitely felt like a loss of control. It's also prompting bigger topics in my thoughts, about how health can not only affect your life, but the opportunities that others may or may not be prepared to give you or involve you in, on the basis of that.

There is soooo much to catch up on!! I've moved countries, had a couple more mountains to climb and conquered a few too!! 

For now... I'm considering how I can keep achieving in all the areas of my life - and begin to incorporate both the online and 'real' worlds! Any tips? 

Everyone has a Story.

Slurring to Superwoman... The Journey. So where am I with that??

Firmly on my way to Superwoman, or rather 'my version'. Thats where! The learning curve has been rapid, the progress a little glitchy, and rather than the end being in sight, I now accept that this is a way of life, and hopefully a never ending curve of (and opportunity to) improving myself.

My greatest challenge has been mental. I made it back to the gym in January.

I was nervous, self conscious, slightly embarrassed, sceptical of my abilities and fearful of causing myself harm  - I struggle to define the line between motivation and stupidity, and exercise no matter what level you are at, is all about it being hard. That's what gives results! But taking a step back... the night before I was admitted to hospital last year, I made it to the gym. Feeling quite frankly - horrific. I told myself that results come from going when you least want to... and bob's your uncle the next morning the face droop added to the slurring of speech - and this story started. Now I don't doubt that I would have had the same symptoms the next day with or without the gym that night... but it all added to the fear factor.  

Without labouring how mortified I felt,

I just wanted to give up after the first day. Don't get me wrong, when I was given the go ahead for a little exercise last year - my limit of 5 minutes on the cross trainer actually had the soles of my feet shaking - I knew that I had already come a long way. But I struggled to lift a 2KG weight on each arm. 2KG.... I think your granny could do that!! I was absolutely sure that people were thinking how pathetic an effort it was. 

Another belter of a boyfriend comment.

If you've read my other posts, you will know that my bloke often comes out with an incredibly motivational peach of a line. This was another of those! Talking about how frustrated I felt, he reassured me, simply by saying that the number on the weight means something only to me. My muscles don't recognise a number, they simply recognise that they are working... and in time will get stronger - at which point I increase  that number on the weight. It quite simply carved out a way forward for me, mentally. 

The next hurdle was simply to keep going. Followed by realisation that everyone has a story, whether you know it or not. Yes I'm sure that some people thought that my level of effort appeared low, but that was their perception, not the reality!! 

The glitches are there, 

I started patchily, and avoided the mirror for fear of an uneven smile - now I can lift 8KG on each arm... 4 times where I started 2 months ago!!!!! Most importantly, I feel stronger and healthy. I spent a day skiing this week, if I hadn't started that gym journey I would never have managed - and what's better for your soul than spectacular sunshine and a view of the Scottish Mountains!

There have been quite a few magical moments

that I would like to tell you about. I don't know if I have more of these now, or just now notice them.... but Mary - a late 80 year old little angel, made of sterner stuff than Kevlar and with a heart of gold will be my next tale. This lady both humbles and motivates you just by being her! 

But that's it for now. Will tell you all about Mary soon... 

Things not going your way? Let's talk.

Whether it be Facebook, Twitter, or any social networking forum, think about the characters that you have friended or followed... 80% of them will fall into a category. 

The 'I'm oh so cool look at me' updater.


The 'Ive just been dumped...no Ive not...yes I have...' status-er.

The 'Ive just stubbed my toe' 200 pointless updates a day-er.

The constant 'Im at the gym' check in-er.

The 'Oh wow I'm so hungover... again...' status-er.

I could go on... and on...there will be people that consistently fall into these categories, you'll no doubt have a few names in your head right now - and there will be people that at different times, fall into varying ones.

My point is, that when you think of those names that ring a bell within each category, the communication style that they have chosen to consistently adopt has defined your perception of them as a person.

I have a 'Facebook' friend.

She updates (on what feels like a daily basis) about how hungover she is and what an amazing night it was, or what drinking related injury she has. Rightly or wrongly, I have the impression - that all she does is party and make my own judgement on that. She is actually a partner in a law firm, and monday to friday works like a trojan. So why does she portray the image that she does on Facebook?

I learned very early on in life, that perception is reality. The concept of 'fake it till you make it' strengthens this. People will believe of you... what you choose to communicate to them. Very few people are actually aware of the reality of my life right now, I let them know what I choose to online, and invite my really close friends into my 'real world'.

So why am I talking about the images that we portray online? Simple. 

Those images, on sites such as Facebook or Twitter, are those that we communicate through writing and images. The key word here... Communicate.

Whether it be written communication, communication through the use of sign language, verbal, body language... there is nothing more important in the world.

I would say that I'm reasonably strong at communicating in a work sense, or even helping my friends with that... but when it comes to me, I'm rubbish! At the start of all of this, I was really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning and cooking, and getting frustrated and upset... guess what... I hadn't even told my boyfriend. Nor had I shared my fears about what was happening to me, or what the future held.  We were gradually becoming ships that passed in the night, and I didn't know how to fix it, when I didn't even have the energy for anything else.

We managed to start talking.

And if Im honest, it wasn't carefully planned, or very pretty, but in a bit of a whirlwind we both succeeded in actually saying what we were thinking, swallowing some hard truths, and there were minor stand offs involved! But the outcome was one of becoming 100% united, and open, suddenly I felt supported, and he understood where I was coming from. I have read on some blogs that people find it nigh on impossible to explain the fatigue, and only after the mutual outburst, and having to pause for me to rest on a garden wall in the 100 yard walk from the bus stop to the flat, did my boyfriend and I open up the communication and understanding.

Are you supporting or receiving the support that you need in life from colleagues or loved ones? 

If something is going right for you right now... I guarantee its because communication channels are free flowing and working well!! If they're not... I absolutely promise that you can make them right by opening up those communication lines!

I would encourage you, to start somewhere. Maybe thats simply a cuddle. If you are struggling, desperate to appear strong... just cry, regardless of who's watching! I remember being told once, that if you crouch down and open your arms, whether it be a child, a pet,  they will come to you! Whether you are telling a troublesome teen, or your partner, that you love them... don't underestimate the power of it.  Those three words can turn a relationship on its head.

Even these simple actions may feel like a mountain to climb...but its the first step in opening up those channels... 

Do whatever you need to start the ball rolling. You may find a wave of emotion that you are finally getting things off your chest will result in some raised voices, (I certainly did.) Embrace that, however don't make shouting a regular thing. After initial ups and downs and getting things out in the open, Alan and I are better than ever. You will find that people will be shocked, you will tell them things that never even occurred to them...in my case he just said that he had not even considered the enormity of it all. It will challenge both you and them! But once they know, they know. And their actions towards you, will change too.

Communication is King!

You get the idea. Today, ponder the image that you are portraying, and how you are communicating with those that are close to you. Take some ownership in changing that if need be, and transform some situations.

Becoming Self obsessed? Take a moment.

Saturday morning has arrived!! 

I can finally stop... and reflect upon my week... and that reflection looks like a film in fast forward - everything a blur and hurriedly moving from one moment to the next.... except for 2 big stills. 2 big stills that are exaggerated moments in time, that had a profound impact upon me. Let me tell you about them.

Moment 1. 

Many coffee shops now give people the opportunity to buy a suspended coffee, for someone that may need a warm for the day, and don't have the money to buy their own. They are able to come in, ask if there are any available, and sit down with a steaming mug of their choice, to join 'normal' society for a few minutes at least. I knew that this existed, but had never seen it 'in real life' - as sheltered as that may sound...Until this week. 

Sitting alone, I saw this chap shyly shuffle towards me with his coffee in hand. Trousers held up by string, a big shaggy beard, milk bottle type glasses, dirty hands and face... he  signalled if he could join me and I didn't hesitate. After exchanging a few words, him peering sideways at me, the moment he made eye contact jerking his head to look away, I offered to buy him a sandwich or anything that he wanted. He declined, and we accepted that we would sit in silence. All be it a fairly content one. 

Moment 2. 

A long day at work ahead of me, I stood in line to buy a coffee before my first morning meeting kicked off. Fair to say pretty wrapped up in 'me'. Then I noticed a girl at the front of the queue, waiting for her coffee. My first thoughts were 'poor girl', rapidly followed with a realisation of how condescending I was being - and not poor girl at all. It was replaced with awe of her bravery, courage, determination not to be enveloped by the aesthetically obsessed world we live in and get on with life. One half of her face was 'perfect', and the other severely misshapen. I believe it was caused by Elephantitis. She stood waiting for her coffee, in a very fashion driven part of London, and was getting on with life. Not hiding or avoiding places. She was embracing what must be a very hard existence, where so many people judge on appearance... and disregard your actual soul. 

Why?

Why am I telling you about this? We all have moments like this all the time right? Wrong. 

We all see this all the time yes. Do we take a moment to allow it to have any impact? I would suggest not. At times, I'm certainly guilty of that. When a lady 2 tables along from me had finished her coffee, she caught my attention and gestured for me to move - pulling a bit of a disgusted face, like you do when something smells bad, and pointing towards the old man. She was seeing him yes, she certainly wasn't embracing that moment and allowing any form of reflection. 

That man had arrived in front of me at my table, when I was enveloped with nerves and anxiety, desperately trying to gain composure and focus for the task that I had next in my day. That task was/is to dictate the next chapter of my life, and I was pretty wrapped up in that. But that moment gave me clarity, all of a sudden I realised that actually, my life is pretty amazing. And should 'the task' not go well, things are pretty good right now. One step further than that, rather than just allowing me to acknowledge the real positives that I have, I suddenly had the focus and composure to face it head on. It made me stronger. And by the way, that task went pretty well in the end. 

That girl in the coffee shop, hit me slap bang between my eyes, that I have my health. Yes there have been a couple of questions marks with it of late, that's the whole reason I started writing this blog. Those question marks look like they are going to exist for a while, and I'm finding my 'new normal'. But things could be a whole lot worse and are getting better and better. If I'm honest...I have been obsessing about the fact that I have lost every scrap of fitness that I had. I'm out of puff... and squidgy. Yes ladies and gentleman... it really is that bad. Ive gone up a dress size.... I need to start again with getting a level of fitness...and it won't happen overnight...Disaster!! 

Although tongue in cheek right now, what has been truly upsetting me, is that I have worked so hard to achieve in fitness over the past 2 or 3 years. Career wise I have reached a great point that has taken a decade to get to... and in one moment of slurring words and drooping face... I was hit with a diagnosis involving my brain... and poof!! Fitness gone and career slowed down. 

Now, I realise that it has been a hiccup. Yes a frustrating one, but who knows - it could open doors - its already allowing me to embrace me for me and my life for all its positives. It's challenged me, wouldn't life be boring without that. 

I'm a little ashamed, but I'm not trying to shame you. 

Those moments came along in my life and provided resonating clarity. You may be that girl in the coffee shop, or you may be me.

But I guarantee that whoever you are, no matter what your challenge... the way you live your life right now is providing clarity for someone else. 

Take a moment to think on that.