Its all about the balance.

Dragging my bag of bricks out of bed, 

washing down a couple of Nurofen Plus with a swig of water, the bricks would feel marginally more feather like, and I would get on with my day. Focused on achieving, I wouldn't stop to hear my body screaming at me, and would do just that - achieve. Glancing at my watch and working back how much time I had to fit everything in - I'd throw myself into the gym - push until the sweat was dripping off me, and zoom back home to get ready. Some days I would get ready to go to a friends for dinner, some days it was another night out. Knocking back the painkillers I used to get through it until sheer exhaustion made me sleep.

Loving my friends. I literally would drop everything and drive an hour to help one out. 

Not once did I consider if they would ever return the favour. 

Not once did I consider why I ached so much. 

I thought that everyone did.

Fast forward. 

I am absolutely not perfect, and not quite where I want to be. But I'm truly content in each and every moment of that journey. I still love my friends and would do anything for them, but I do it for those that actually love me too. A few have dropped out on the way, those that weren't happy that I no longer physically killed myself to drive to them when I ached. Not once did they actually digest the reasons why - or it even occur to them that they could have tried. I wish them the best! But I've drawn the line. Ive consciously surrounded myself by people that care. I still love to train! But no longer do I push my body until a droopy smile is the only warning sign that I listen to. I live a balanced life. I still love a night out, but never to the extreme. Nutritionally, socially, mindfully, physically, its all in sync. Sometimes the balance tips a bit - but the fact that I'm tuned in to my body now means that I rapidly readjust. And the result? 

I can't remember the last time I took painkillers. 

I let myself have downtime.

I don't live in a whirlwind of anxiety. I'm happy.

Now I'm learning and opening my mind every day.

So heres the killer statement. MS. Is my gift. 

MS, Demyelination, whatever label you want to give it. It made me stop and start to live my life. I could never have kept up the life I lived before, and unfortunately I ignored every sign my body gave me until I was ambulanced away with a suspected stroke and this journey began. No I'm not a tree hugging angel that never has a down day, I'm a real person with peaks and troughs. But I won't invite negativity into my life. 

Early on in this journey, I met a really lovely guy with MS, who told me that he used to be like me with a good job and life... but that I would eventually accept that I had to give up my career and start walking with a stick. A confusing message that didn't help. 

I will never deliver that same message. 

I welcome the opportunity to learn from others, I wouldn't have got this far without them. And not everyone is in the same place, thats cool. But I refuse to live in a constant stream of drug induced side effects - Ive taken ownership for my life and in doing so started to live it. 

Oh and by the way. I deadlift at the gym and still achieve. You def can too! 

I'm Back!!!

So I promised tales of Mary...

And I'll keep that promise but not today I'm afraid. Today is about shirking anonimity and challenging myself to reflect on why I've been AWOL.

Sheer Panic.

Massively understates how I reacted when I realised that someone from my 'normal life' had added me to their Google+ profile! Shock. Horror. How did they find me? Where was the link? Suddenly there was a solid connection between the persona that the world sees of me every day, and the me that had been baring my soul - or my version of that online!! I can guarantee that that person probably didn't read my blog. They were no doubt blissfully unaware of the chaos that my little world had just spiralled into.

Profile Photo... Deleted!!

I frantically tried to get rid of any recognisable trace of me. Uncomfortable with how awareness of my blog may affect my life, and peoples perceptions of me. Ironic... considering I encourage as many people as possible to read it, but the difference is that I feel that a stranger online, or my new acquaintances, have nothing to judge! We undoubtedly have similar challenges, and interests, and will hopefully have some gems that we can share with each other, and that I can learn from too! But I allowed that one blissfully unaware person, and the thought of the loss of that anonymity, to make me scarper from anything online, and turn my back on something that has been helping me to develop, learn, and that I genuinely enjoy.

Hence no blogging since March. 

Of all my posts so far... this is the one that has stumped me. It's hard to verbalise, what some may consider to be an irrational fear - of a journey regarding health - becoming more common knowledge in my real world, and how that has made me feel. It definitely felt like a loss of control. It's also prompting bigger topics in my thoughts, about how health can not only affect your life, but the opportunities that others may or may not be prepared to give you or involve you in, on the basis of that.

There is soooo much to catch up on!! I've moved countries, had a couple more mountains to climb and conquered a few too!! 

For now... I'm considering how I can keep achieving in all the areas of my life - and begin to incorporate both the online and 'real' worlds! Any tips? 

Everyone has a Story.

Slurring to Superwoman... The Journey. So where am I with that??

Firmly on my way to Superwoman, or rather 'my version'. Thats where! The learning curve has been rapid, the progress a little glitchy, and rather than the end being in sight, I now accept that this is a way of life, and hopefully a never ending curve of (and opportunity to) improving myself.

My greatest challenge has been mental. I made it back to the gym in January.

I was nervous, self conscious, slightly embarrassed, sceptical of my abilities and fearful of causing myself harm  - I struggle to define the line between motivation and stupidity, and exercise no matter what level you are at, is all about it being hard. That's what gives results! But taking a step back... the night before I was admitted to hospital last year, I made it to the gym. Feeling quite frankly - horrific. I told myself that results come from going when you least want to... and bob's your uncle the next morning the face droop added to the slurring of speech - and this story started. Now I don't doubt that I would have had the same symptoms the next day with or without the gym that night... but it all added to the fear factor.  

Without labouring how mortified I felt,

I just wanted to give up after the first day. Don't get me wrong, when I was given the go ahead for a little exercise last year - my limit of 5 minutes on the cross trainer actually had the soles of my feet shaking - I knew that I had already come a long way. But I struggled to lift a 2KG weight on each arm. 2KG.... I think your granny could do that!! I was absolutely sure that people were thinking how pathetic an effort it was. 

Another belter of a boyfriend comment.

If you've read my other posts, you will know that my bloke often comes out with an incredibly motivational peach of a line. This was another of those! Talking about how frustrated I felt, he reassured me, simply by saying that the number on the weight means something only to me. My muscles don't recognise a number, they simply recognise that they are working... and in time will get stronger - at which point I increase  that number on the weight. It quite simply carved out a way forward for me, mentally. 

The next hurdle was simply to keep going. Followed by realisation that everyone has a story, whether you know it or not. Yes I'm sure that some people thought that my level of effort appeared low, but that was their perception, not the reality!! 

The glitches are there, 

I started patchily, and avoided the mirror for fear of an uneven smile - now I can lift 8KG on each arm... 4 times where I started 2 months ago!!!!! Most importantly, I feel stronger and healthy. I spent a day skiing this week, if I hadn't started that gym journey I would never have managed - and what's better for your soul than spectacular sunshine and a view of the Scottish Mountains!

There have been quite a few magical moments

that I would like to tell you about. I don't know if I have more of these now, or just now notice them.... but Mary - a late 80 year old little angel, made of sterner stuff than Kevlar and with a heart of gold will be my next tale. This lady both humbles and motivates you just by being her! 

But that's it for now. Will tell you all about Mary soon... 

Things not going your way? Let's talk.

Whether it be Facebook, Twitter, or any social networking forum, think about the characters that you have friended or followed... 80% of them will fall into a category. 

The 'I'm oh so cool look at me' updater.


The 'Ive just been dumped...no Ive not...yes I have...' status-er.

The 'Ive just stubbed my toe' 200 pointless updates a day-er.

The constant 'Im at the gym' check in-er.

The 'Oh wow I'm so hungover... again...' status-er.

I could go on... and on...there will be people that consistently fall into these categories, you'll no doubt have a few names in your head right now - and there will be people that at different times, fall into varying ones.

My point is, that when you think of those names that ring a bell within each category, the communication style that they have chosen to consistently adopt has defined your perception of them as a person.

I have a 'Facebook' friend.

She updates (on what feels like a daily basis) about how hungover she is and what an amazing night it was, or what drinking related injury she has. Rightly or wrongly, I have the impression - that all she does is party and make my own judgement on that. She is actually a partner in a law firm, and monday to friday works like a trojan. So why does she portray the image that she does on Facebook?

I learned very early on in life, that perception is reality. The concept of 'fake it till you make it' strengthens this. People will believe of you... what you choose to communicate to them. Very few people are actually aware of the reality of my life right now, I let them know what I choose to online, and invite my really close friends into my 'real world'.

So why am I talking about the images that we portray online? Simple. 

Those images, on sites such as Facebook or Twitter, are those that we communicate through writing and images. The key word here... Communicate.

Whether it be written communication, communication through the use of sign language, verbal, body language... there is nothing more important in the world.

I would say that I'm reasonably strong at communicating in a work sense, or even helping my friends with that... but when it comes to me, I'm rubbish! At the start of all of this, I was really struggling to keep on top of the cleaning and cooking, and getting frustrated and upset... guess what... I hadn't even told my boyfriend. Nor had I shared my fears about what was happening to me, or what the future held.  We were gradually becoming ships that passed in the night, and I didn't know how to fix it, when I didn't even have the energy for anything else.

We managed to start talking.

And if Im honest, it wasn't carefully planned, or very pretty, but in a bit of a whirlwind we both succeeded in actually saying what we were thinking, swallowing some hard truths, and there were minor stand offs involved! But the outcome was one of becoming 100% united, and open, suddenly I felt supported, and he understood where I was coming from. I have read on some blogs that people find it nigh on impossible to explain the fatigue, and only after the mutual outburst, and having to pause for me to rest on a garden wall in the 100 yard walk from the bus stop to the flat, did my boyfriend and I open up the communication and understanding.

Are you supporting or receiving the support that you need in life from colleagues or loved ones? 

If something is going right for you right now... I guarantee its because communication channels are free flowing and working well!! If they're not... I absolutely promise that you can make them right by opening up those communication lines!

I would encourage you, to start somewhere. Maybe thats simply a cuddle. If you are struggling, desperate to appear strong... just cry, regardless of who's watching! I remember being told once, that if you crouch down and open your arms, whether it be a child, a pet,  they will come to you! Whether you are telling a troublesome teen, or your partner, that you love them... don't underestimate the power of it.  Those three words can turn a relationship on its head.

Even these simple actions may feel like a mountain to climb...but its the first step in opening up those channels... 

Do whatever you need to start the ball rolling. You may find a wave of emotion that you are finally getting things off your chest will result in some raised voices, (I certainly did.) Embrace that, however don't make shouting a regular thing. After initial ups and downs and getting things out in the open, Alan and I are better than ever. You will find that people will be shocked, you will tell them things that never even occurred to them...in my case he just said that he had not even considered the enormity of it all. It will challenge both you and them! But once they know, they know. And their actions towards you, will change too.

Communication is King!

You get the idea. Today, ponder the image that you are portraying, and how you are communicating with those that are close to you. Take some ownership in changing that if need be, and transform some situations.