Its all about the balance.

Dragging my bag of bricks out of bed, 

washing down a couple of Nurofen Plus with a swig of water, the bricks would feel marginally more feather like, and I would get on with my day. Focused on achieving, I wouldn't stop to hear my body screaming at me, and would do just that - achieve. Glancing at my watch and working back how much time I had to fit everything in - I'd throw myself into the gym - push until the sweat was dripping off me, and zoom back home to get ready. Some days I would get ready to go to a friends for dinner, some days it was another night out. Knocking back the painkillers I used to get through it until sheer exhaustion made me sleep.

Loving my friends. I literally would drop everything and drive an hour to help one out. 

Not once did I consider if they would ever return the favour. 

Not once did I consider why I ached so much. 

I thought that everyone did.

Fast forward. 

I am absolutely not perfect, and not quite where I want to be. But I'm truly content in each and every moment of that journey. I still love my friends and would do anything for them, but I do it for those that actually love me too. A few have dropped out on the way, those that weren't happy that I no longer physically killed myself to drive to them when I ached. Not once did they actually digest the reasons why - or it even occur to them that they could have tried. I wish them the best! But I've drawn the line. Ive consciously surrounded myself by people that care. I still love to train! But no longer do I push my body until a droopy smile is the only warning sign that I listen to. I live a balanced life. I still love a night out, but never to the extreme. Nutritionally, socially, mindfully, physically, its all in sync. Sometimes the balance tips a bit - but the fact that I'm tuned in to my body now means that I rapidly readjust. And the result? 

I can't remember the last time I took painkillers. 

I let myself have downtime.

I don't live in a whirlwind of anxiety. I'm happy.

Now I'm learning and opening my mind every day.

So heres the killer statement. MS. Is my gift. 

MS, Demyelination, whatever label you want to give it. It made me stop and start to live my life. I could never have kept up the life I lived before, and unfortunately I ignored every sign my body gave me until I was ambulanced away with a suspected stroke and this journey began. No I'm not a tree hugging angel that never has a down day, I'm a real person with peaks and troughs. But I won't invite negativity into my life. 

Early on in this journey, I met a really lovely guy with MS, who told me that he used to be like me with a good job and life... but that I would eventually accept that I had to give up my career and start walking with a stick. A confusing message that didn't help. 

I will never deliver that same message. 

I welcome the opportunity to learn from others, I wouldn't have got this far without them. And not everyone is in the same place, thats cool. But I refuse to live in a constant stream of drug induced side effects - Ive taken ownership for my life and in doing so started to live it. 

Oh and by the way. I deadlift at the gym and still achieve. You def can too! 

Feel it, Acknowledge it, and Open Your Eyes!!

The only way to describe Mary.... 

Is the stereotypical (although no less magical) image of a frail and ageing lady. Think of a Roald Dahl   masterpiece, depicting a frail and tiny little thing, shoulders slightly hunched, and so slight that when sat in an arm chair - she looked like a character from the set of Tom Thumb. Her legs dangling slightly from the chair, her face heavily creased with life, teeth slightly blackened and far fewer than there had been in her hay day. Her hair, wispy and barely there - but never the less -  combed to perfection. 

But the day that I met Mary, she wasn't sitting in the comfort of an Arm Chair.

Nor did she have the privileged life of a character from a story book. Stuck in London traffic with my boyfriend, we were crawling along, on a pretty bright and airy day. His attention had been
caught by something, and I could see his glance return repeatedly, finally saying that he didn't think the lady by the road was ok. I followed his gaze.... and there she was. That frail little character, with one huge shopping bag on her arm, leaning forward to step from the roadside curb, then her confidence failing her - leaning back to avoid taking that step. Again and again she tried and failed. 

Whipping the car out of the traffic, we set out to see if she was ok. 

Swiftly deciding that a 6"2 male stranger had potential to intimidate the  5" nothing little lady, I stepped out of the car and over to see that she was alright. She had tears in her eyes when she realised that she wasn't alone, and graciously accepted my help. Feeling how unsteady and seeing how weak she was - I gently told her that she could trust me, and that I would drive her home. I'm glad that she did. 

Only being able to describe it as scooping her into the car, strapping her in, (my boyfriend got out and went on his way to the shops) thats where our new friendship began. 

We both were keen to find out about each other! 

Mary was a real chatterbox, and my heart ached a little at her enthusiasm to take that opportunity to talk - despite how fatigued she was. We swapped stories of where we were from, how old, and within the space of 5 minutes she had told me that she was 89, and currently having chemotherapy. My jaw nearly dropped, and heart ached a little more at the way she swept her own challenges aside, and homed in on me! Saying that I was so sorry to hear that, she dismissed it and began asking if my health was good, expressing her greatest wishes hoping that it was! Faced with the aftermath of her most recent chemo, we realised that Mary had walked for nearly 2 miles with a bag that may as well have been a lead weight, was so exhausted she was terrified to step from the curb (did I say... she's 89 ?!). Yet she sat next to me chattering away in a mild cockney accent, and saying that she was alright, that I was what mattered.

Back to earth with a bang! 

That was me. Moments before, I'd had a (prolonged) moment of self indulgence. I was tired, had a cold, in the aftermath of the neuro flare up, and decided that I was fed up and going to feel that way. And with a bolt of magic - Mary appeared. Kind, struggling, and oozing empathy! Now Im a fan of a bit of self pity, its healthy to acknowledge it, wallow for a while, and I'm 100% not saying that you should never let yourself feel that way! What I am saying, and aiming to do, is to allow it, acknowledge it, but only if I consciously open my eyes at the same time.

Cup half empty or full... on steroids.

Allowing and acknowledging it, allows me start to process the 'it', the feeling, the worry. Literally letting me digest it, take the good that I can and get rid of the negativity! By opening my eyes, I may not always come across a self-less little character like Mary to bump me into the reality of seeing the positive things in my life, but I do promise that it lets me see some brightness, consider what I love doing, and absorb the lesson or positive of whatever challenge has had me feeling blue - shake it up with some reality, and results in a stronger (and happier) me. The more I practise, the more I see.

When I was still in London, I used to visit Mary for a cup of tea. She never ceased to amaze me, and made me laugh with her lectures to Alan about us not getting any younger. There were tears when we moved!

Maybe you have your Mary round the corner? Open your eyes and say hello. :)

I'm Back!!!

So I promised tales of Mary...

And I'll keep that promise but not today I'm afraid. Today is about shirking anonimity and challenging myself to reflect on why I've been AWOL.

Sheer Panic.

Massively understates how I reacted when I realised that someone from my 'normal life' had added me to their Google+ profile! Shock. Horror. How did they find me? Where was the link? Suddenly there was a solid connection between the persona that the world sees of me every day, and the me that had been baring my soul - or my version of that online!! I can guarantee that that person probably didn't read my blog. They were no doubt blissfully unaware of the chaos that my little world had just spiralled into.

Profile Photo... Deleted!!

I frantically tried to get rid of any recognisable trace of me. Uncomfortable with how awareness of my blog may affect my life, and peoples perceptions of me. Ironic... considering I encourage as many people as possible to read it, but the difference is that I feel that a stranger online, or my new acquaintances, have nothing to judge! We undoubtedly have similar challenges, and interests, and will hopefully have some gems that we can share with each other, and that I can learn from too! But I allowed that one blissfully unaware person, and the thought of the loss of that anonymity, to make me scarper from anything online, and turn my back on something that has been helping me to develop, learn, and that I genuinely enjoy.

Hence no blogging since March. 

Of all my posts so far... this is the one that has stumped me. It's hard to verbalise, what some may consider to be an irrational fear - of a journey regarding health - becoming more common knowledge in my real world, and how that has made me feel. It definitely felt like a loss of control. It's also prompting bigger topics in my thoughts, about how health can not only affect your life, but the opportunities that others may or may not be prepared to give you or involve you in, on the basis of that.

There is soooo much to catch up on!! I've moved countries, had a couple more mountains to climb and conquered a few too!! 

For now... I'm considering how I can keep achieving in all the areas of my life - and begin to incorporate both the online and 'real' worlds! Any tips? 

Everyone has a Story.

Slurring to Superwoman... The Journey. So where am I with that??

Firmly on my way to Superwoman, or rather 'my version'. Thats where! The learning curve has been rapid, the progress a little glitchy, and rather than the end being in sight, I now accept that this is a way of life, and hopefully a never ending curve of (and opportunity to) improving myself.

My greatest challenge has been mental. I made it back to the gym in January.

I was nervous, self conscious, slightly embarrassed, sceptical of my abilities and fearful of causing myself harm  - I struggle to define the line between motivation and stupidity, and exercise no matter what level you are at, is all about it being hard. That's what gives results! But taking a step back... the night before I was admitted to hospital last year, I made it to the gym. Feeling quite frankly - horrific. I told myself that results come from going when you least want to... and bob's your uncle the next morning the face droop added to the slurring of speech - and this story started. Now I don't doubt that I would have had the same symptoms the next day with or without the gym that night... but it all added to the fear factor.  

Without labouring how mortified I felt,

I just wanted to give up after the first day. Don't get me wrong, when I was given the go ahead for a little exercise last year - my limit of 5 minutes on the cross trainer actually had the soles of my feet shaking - I knew that I had already come a long way. But I struggled to lift a 2KG weight on each arm. 2KG.... I think your granny could do that!! I was absolutely sure that people were thinking how pathetic an effort it was. 

Another belter of a boyfriend comment.

If you've read my other posts, you will know that my bloke often comes out with an incredibly motivational peach of a line. This was another of those! Talking about how frustrated I felt, he reassured me, simply by saying that the number on the weight means something only to me. My muscles don't recognise a number, they simply recognise that they are working... and in time will get stronger - at which point I increase  that number on the weight. It quite simply carved out a way forward for me, mentally. 

The next hurdle was simply to keep going. Followed by realisation that everyone has a story, whether you know it or not. Yes I'm sure that some people thought that my level of effort appeared low, but that was their perception, not the reality!! 

The glitches are there, 

I started patchily, and avoided the mirror for fear of an uneven smile - now I can lift 8KG on each arm... 4 times where I started 2 months ago!!!!! Most importantly, I feel stronger and healthy. I spent a day skiing this week, if I hadn't started that gym journey I would never have managed - and what's better for your soul than spectacular sunshine and a view of the Scottish Mountains!

There have been quite a few magical moments

that I would like to tell you about. I don't know if I have more of these now, or just now notice them.... but Mary - a late 80 year old little angel, made of sterner stuff than Kevlar and with a heart of gold will be my next tale. This lady both humbles and motivates you just by being her! 

But that's it for now. Will tell you all about Mary soon... 

Becoming Self obsessed? Take a moment.

Saturday morning has arrived!! 

I can finally stop... and reflect upon my week... and that reflection looks like a film in fast forward - everything a blur and hurriedly moving from one moment to the next.... except for 2 big stills. 2 big stills that are exaggerated moments in time, that had a profound impact upon me. Let me tell you about them.

Moment 1. 

Many coffee shops now give people the opportunity to buy a suspended coffee, for someone that may need a warm for the day, and don't have the money to buy their own. They are able to come in, ask if there are any available, and sit down with a steaming mug of their choice, to join 'normal' society for a few minutes at least. I knew that this existed, but had never seen it 'in real life' - as sheltered as that may sound...Until this week. 

Sitting alone, I saw this chap shyly shuffle towards me with his coffee in hand. Trousers held up by string, a big shaggy beard, milk bottle type glasses, dirty hands and face... he  signalled if he could join me and I didn't hesitate. After exchanging a few words, him peering sideways at me, the moment he made eye contact jerking his head to look away, I offered to buy him a sandwich or anything that he wanted. He declined, and we accepted that we would sit in silence. All be it a fairly content one. 

Moment 2. 

A long day at work ahead of me, I stood in line to buy a coffee before my first morning meeting kicked off. Fair to say pretty wrapped up in 'me'. Then I noticed a girl at the front of the queue, waiting for her coffee. My first thoughts were 'poor girl', rapidly followed with a realisation of how condescending I was being - and not poor girl at all. It was replaced with awe of her bravery, courage, determination not to be enveloped by the aesthetically obsessed world we live in and get on with life. One half of her face was 'perfect', and the other severely misshapen. I believe it was caused by Elephantitis. She stood waiting for her coffee, in a very fashion driven part of London, and was getting on with life. Not hiding or avoiding places. She was embracing what must be a very hard existence, where so many people judge on appearance... and disregard your actual soul. 

Why?

Why am I telling you about this? We all have moments like this all the time right? Wrong. 

We all see this all the time yes. Do we take a moment to allow it to have any impact? I would suggest not. At times, I'm certainly guilty of that. When a lady 2 tables along from me had finished her coffee, she caught my attention and gestured for me to move - pulling a bit of a disgusted face, like you do when something smells bad, and pointing towards the old man. She was seeing him yes, she certainly wasn't embracing that moment and allowing any form of reflection. 

That man had arrived in front of me at my table, when I was enveloped with nerves and anxiety, desperately trying to gain composure and focus for the task that I had next in my day. That task was/is to dictate the next chapter of my life, and I was pretty wrapped up in that. But that moment gave me clarity, all of a sudden I realised that actually, my life is pretty amazing. And should 'the task' not go well, things are pretty good right now. One step further than that, rather than just allowing me to acknowledge the real positives that I have, I suddenly had the focus and composure to face it head on. It made me stronger. And by the way, that task went pretty well in the end. 

That girl in the coffee shop, hit me slap bang between my eyes, that I have my health. Yes there have been a couple of questions marks with it of late, that's the whole reason I started writing this blog. Those question marks look like they are going to exist for a while, and I'm finding my 'new normal'. But things could be a whole lot worse and are getting better and better. If I'm honest...I have been obsessing about the fact that I have lost every scrap of fitness that I had. I'm out of puff... and squidgy. Yes ladies and gentleman... it really is that bad. Ive gone up a dress size.... I need to start again with getting a level of fitness...and it won't happen overnight...Disaster!! 

Although tongue in cheek right now, what has been truly upsetting me, is that I have worked so hard to achieve in fitness over the past 2 or 3 years. Career wise I have reached a great point that has taken a decade to get to... and in one moment of slurring words and drooping face... I was hit with a diagnosis involving my brain... and poof!! Fitness gone and career slowed down. 

Now, I realise that it has been a hiccup. Yes a frustrating one, but who knows - it could open doors - its already allowing me to embrace me for me and my life for all its positives. It's challenged me, wouldn't life be boring without that. 

I'm a little ashamed, but I'm not trying to shame you. 

Those moments came along in my life and provided resonating clarity. You may be that girl in the coffee shop, or you may be me.

But I guarantee that whoever you are, no matter what your challenge... the way you live your life right now is providing clarity for someone else. 

Take a moment to think on that. 

Forget about the Botox - And start living again!

Uneasy. Unprepared. Hopeful. Frustrating. Tiring. Exhilarating. Painful. Precious. Optimistic. Reflective.

A few words that have been related to getting old... Whether you are making that transition from teens to twenties, 60's to 70's, or like me - the first step in the flirty 30's; There is something about the number of candles that grace your birthday cake, that conjures up a cauldron of mixed emotions. The most
common one, is reflection. Where are you in life? Is time running out? What have you yet to achieve?

Is this healthy? To measure every precious moment? Botox may freeze the facial crinkles... But it doesn't freeze life.  

Isn't it perhaps more beneficial to be embracing the challenges that life throws at us, and be remoulding, flexing, establishing our new boundaries and getting pleasure from adapting to, and pushing towards them? That is...after all...what life is. And if you could stop the hands of time, wouldn't that be an almighty shame? To miss those experiences that truly shape humanity?

Determination. Enthusiasm. Embracing. Adapting. 

A few more words that CAN relate to ageing. The other night I watched a captivating programme on Channel 4, titled 'Fabulous Fashionistas'. And the ladies that featured in it ranged from early 70's to their 90's! All had one thing in common - they had embraced age. They had embraced it - but not conformed. And the result of this game changing attitude? Just that - they were all truly living life more fully than the stereotype of old.  

Ok, so where am I going with this?

EVERY word that I have listed, can be applied to what you and I are going through. I'm going to suggest 2 more.

Acceptance.

Wouldn't it be amazing, if we could accept what has happened or is happening to us? I accept... that acceptance doesn't happen over night. Different things will help each of us in different ways. It may be Counselling; Blogging;  Talking; Writing; Meditation; Listening to others in the same boat; It may be fast, or it may be slow. And you know what? We may reach that stage of acceptance, and something may throw a spanner in the works again!! Then? We need the determination to embrace change again... start at the beginning, and experience the roller-coaster ride of acceptance again. 

Challenge.

Depending on what is happening in your life - there may be countless challenges to face.  Face them head on. This may involve adapting, will definitely involve some unease and frustration, but I guarantee  that the outcome will be exhilaration. At the moment, I'm challenging myself to actually slow down in order to go faster. My natural inclination is a hundred miles an hour, but I know that in my case that may result in a few steps back. By slowing... I aim to soon be in a position to then start to achieve my fitness targets. Thats physically. Mentally... This has forced me to be me. I feel exposed writing this blog. I'm getting better at talking about how I feel. I now aspire to inspire!  

I'm not saying "Forget it! Chin up!"

But rightly or wrongly this is the hand that we are being dealt. We can immerse ourselves in pain and depression, and NOT actually live and feel the new moments of our lives. That's not for me. Shun the stereotype. I'm making a conscious decision, to forget about the botox - and start living again. 

We may have a few wrinkles or scars - let that shape us - but not define us. 

Lollipop Moments!! A tale of inspiration.

Today is a good day.

I'm feeling better and better! There are various reasons for this... and I wanted to share a little feel good factor on a saturday morning. My feel good right now, is music. Last night I was swept away with the old school glamour of Top Hat, and today's agenda is Wicked.  Super indulgence on the show front. But you know what... I am sick of being sick!! It's so easy, when life isn't quite perfect, for that to become all consuming; Conversation is ruled by it; every moment of the day that takes you a step closer to fatigue reminds you of it; TV is distracted by thoughts about it; trying to fall asleep can magnify your thoughts about it; Dreams are full of it.... and then the daily cycle starts again. And you forget about the things that make you happy.

Break the cycle!! 

Challenge yourself, what do you love doing? Is anything stopping you doing that right now? In my case, yes. I am a gym bunny. And becoming a slightly chubby one at that. So while it is temporary that I can't do that, I'm remembering all the things that I used to do. 

Turn this on its head - being limited right now - is an opportunity to recapture a love that you may have lost sight of. 

I'm not saying it happens like magic, my Mum and Sister helped me to remember. Get your family or friends to help you. For me, playing the piano, and being creative tick those boxes. The plan is that this blog will satisfy an element of creativity, and the piano is in the pipeline! The icing on that cake is going to a show, and for me, that lifts my spirits and captivates me. I have woken up this morning feeling good... and incidentally - I feel a good few steps closer to getting back to the gym as a result. 

While I'm upbeat

I would like to share something that transformed my thinking, long before all these myelin sheath shenanigans started! A lollipop moment, in all simplicity, is a moment where someone, somewhere, has done or said something that has profoundly affected you and your life - and they may themselves, be absolutely oblivious to that. Have a look at the video, and all will be revealed!

My lollipop moment was recently.

Again, a boyfriend gem. (As I said in a previous blog, I reckon he's missed his calling in life!). Another semi tearful just got into bed moment, feeling a bit sorry for myself... and the poor bloke having to come up with a moment of genius. All he said, was that right now times were tough. But in 12 months time, I could be an inspiration to people. That's it! 

One massively straight forward comment

switched my brain. Suddenly instead of wallowing, I had refocused to 12 months ahead - where I wanted to be health and fitness wise - and how to get there. The plan for that isn't perfect just yet, but it exists. And it can only get better and better. And you know, just writing this today, has reinforced just how powerful his words were. That's where 'Slurring to Superwoman. The Journey.' came from. 

Now I'm off to get ready to go and immerse myself in music for the afternoon!! Go and do something that you love, and forget your problems for a while! 

A NEW kind of normal, finding it in the aftermath of a health hiccup.

I'm going to keep this one fairly short and sweet. 

Having been diagnosed with Demyelination of my Central Nervous System, I felt/feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over me. The next MRI, or results of which, will tell me if there are any more lesions on my brain and spinal chord. If there are, this could go hand in hand with a diagnosis of MS. 

The times that I get frustrated

Are the times where I think of being 'normal'. My sisters wedding in May - a normal, happy, energetic bridesmaid, ecstatic to see my big sister wed!! My boyfriends 30th - normal, loved up, lapping up his family's Irish hospitality! Even just going to the gym - normal, pushing  my boundaries, dripping sweat, feeling strong!! And now.... a little less every day... but the fatigue is unreal. Having to stop to rest on a wall during the short walk from the bus stop to my flat, is not cool. Nor is not being able to finish doing the dishes. If I have one tip, strategic disco naps are the key!! Mini rest then power up to do whatever you have your sights set on. Some days I'm able to count my blessings with ease. And some days I get pretty down that this has all happened, and not knowing if Ill be 'normal' again.  

On one particular evening

My boyfriend and I had just gone to bed. Tearfully, I explained that I was finding it hard and just wanted to be normal again!!! And he hit me with this almighty gem. "I know babe... I know its hard... but together  - we will find our new normal." Wow! 

Such a simple point, and a massive impact.

It hit me like a bolt out the blue, and inspired me, that as I gradually get better, I will find my new ways of doing things, and we will find ways to adapt to it together. And gave me ridiculous amounts of heart - that dark cloud has a wee bit of sunshine peaking through!! Just one of the many snippets that my boyfriend has started to share... I swear... he should have been a philosopher. 

Immune gone Ninja! How mine declared war on my brain.

About a month prior to all of this 

I had been really unwell with some kind of flu/virus, and never really got back on track. This was apparently the trigger for my 'super' immune system to fight off any illness and go on a ninja-esque mission that included attacking my brain! I kind of appreciated the positive spin that he was putting on this, but as he began to sketch out the explanation it became less superhero and a bit more real.

In essence 

your brain's 'electrics' or axon, are insulated, this insulation is called myelin. And these electrics are the control centre for your bodies central nervous system. When my white blood cells, which are your immune cells, went on their mission, they included attacking the insulation (myelin) in my brain. Having eaten their way through it, they essentially short circuited my body. The result was my slurred speech and droopy face. Fantastic.

This had shown up in my MRI scan - as 2 points of inflammation on my brain, one scar from a previous injury also showed up. He explained that a singular instance of this was called neuritis, and could happen to me one, thrice, or numerous times in my lifetime. Throughout, he had asked me to concentrate, as it was vital that I understood, I suppose I was slightly carefree in reciting his explanation back pretty much word for word. Of course I wasn't happy about it, but suppose was in some sort of shock having expected an all clear, and lets face it, anything to do with your brain is scary stuff. What came next however, shook me. He explained that when this happens on a recurrent basis, that is what is called multiple sclerosis. 

I think I swallowed

tried to digest it, and maintain a fairly steely exterior. Unsuccessfully! Tears rolled down my face and my consultant gave me a cuddle! At this point I was also incredibly conscious that Martin, a nurse of the same age as me, was standing with us. Having provided an element of normality for me while I had been in hospital, we had chatted music, general banter;  and now albeit not a current diagnosis  of MS but the potential for one,  everything felt unreal - and his presence somehow made it all the more surreal. 

The consultant continued to explain a little more

said he would see me very soon for another MRI including my spinal chord, and said bye bye. Martin told me that he would leave the curtains closed and give me some time, and I began to digest everything. Having taken a few moments, I knew I should pull myself together - my mum had arrived from Scotland and would be arriving with my boyfriend. I wanted to put on a brave face and go home! 

This may all sound very dramatic

but I had spent the prior few days with very limited visitors and all my own thoughts. And when I had convinced myself that I would be ok, and the fact that the words multiple sclerosis had even been uttered with any relevance at all to me - I had got a big fright!

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to explain everything to my boyfriend and mum face to face with the steely exterior in tact, I text my boyfriend the basics, and they both arrived looking pretty sombre. But I was ecstatic to see them nevertheless!! 

So the official diagnosis was acute demyelination of the central nervous system. 

It's not all doom and gloom. I had my second MRI this week. Whatever the results - I'm trying hard to get better , and dying to get back to normality! 

This was not how my Wednesday was supposed to be

I had arrived at A&E  

and was pretty hurriedly taken through to a doctor. She was hugely matter of fact, and put me at my ease. Doing all the tests for reflex and reaction, regresses you (or at least me!) into a child like state, and I was pretty proud of myself when my knee bounced back to her prods. She openly ruled out Bells Palsy, then disappeared for quite a bit! Cue boyfriend arriving with an anxious look, and me starting to think things were looking fairly ok. (This proved to be a pattern that would repeat all week... Disaster... Not so bad...Disaster... you get the idea.)

When the Doctor reappeared

she said that she had phoned a neurologist from another Hospital, who wanted to see me immediately. Rapidly an ambulance crew appeared and before I knew it boyfriend and I were tucked up in the back of it. Again, a lovely team, the lady in the back with us was doing all her tests and telling me that the blue lights would go on, but not to worry, it would just make sure we were whizzed there faster. Other than the siren, silently, we were on our way. 

Nearly there

I burst into tears, it had suddenly hit me what was happening. This was not how my wednesday morning was supposed to be!! 

Stupid as it sounds

when I realised that I wasn't in the 'normal' part of A&E, I just kept thinking that there were people who needed to be there more than me, and to go and help them. As a team of people started repeating all the tests and firing questions at me, I could see a poor man across the room from me, he was actually grey, covered in a wet sheen, he was in the midst of a heart attack. The flurry calmed a little, and a consultant told me she didn't think that I was having a stroke, but gave me blood thinners to make sure that I didn't, and admitted me. 

In a bed in an Acute Stroke Ward

I gazed around me. To my left, right, everywhere... so many ladies, old ladies, some couldn't speak their stroke had been so severe, none could move without assistance. And lovely wee Esther! She recited poetry (endlessly) out loud. When she was in her chair, her legs were so tiny they dangled down like a child, I thought she was like a Roald Dahl character. Esther and my ipad entertained me! Anyway, I was pretty self dependant, and although the nurses were constantly there, left me to it. 

The days passed

visitors of the other ladies kept saying how young I was to be there. I kept thinking yeah I know, and that slowly registered with me. My CT scan had been clear, as had my x-rays. My symptoms however, were slightly changing. My face had improved dramatically with some facial exercises I was given, but sometimes the numbness would spread up my face, or down my right side, or even across my tongue. These changes, hinted at perhaps a rare form of migraine, and not a stroke. Slowly I convinced myself that it was only a headache! This was the suggestion of a doctor. The circle of consultants surrounded my bed on a daily basis and promised they would get me out asap, I was only waiting for an MRI.

Friday came

I knew that it was D-day as to whether I would have to stay the weekend!!! One false start... taken down  and back without a scan... on edge I was desperate to get out. I eventually got one! Confident that the consultants would surround my bed that day, tell me that I was all clear, and to go home. I honestly in my heart thought that would be the case.

Consultants appear. Curtain drawn. Susie this is Dr...... I stopped paying attention, desperate to get to the point. 

The results of your MRI were not clear. Don't worry, you don't have a brain tumour. WHAT??!! That didn't even cross my mind!!!!! 

The others disappear, Dr.... sits down next to me... and starts to tell all.