Different versions of me... Before I reach the best.

I guess Ive been a number of different people in my life so far.

Academically, Ive never struggled. Ive been the girl that was severely bullied from the age of 5 until the age of 18 as a result, and became overly tough to compensate. Which I guess created its own problems.

Ive been the cool girl too... I'm not overly sure who she was, a little bit of me and a little bit of the expected me.

There were glimpses of the real me, that quickly retreated into the shadows as I wasn't mature enough to rationalise the reactions of some particularly nasty people that I came across. Maybe they were acting out a persona too - as a result of their own environments.

Ive been the fat girl. Ive been the thin girl. Ive been the sugar addicted girl. But never the particularly well girl.

Ive been the fit and strong girl, and the sick girl.

Ive made good decisions, and Ive made bad decisions, but everything has led me to where I am now.

Where has that been for the past 2 years?

The most challenging but eye opening time of my life... and in retrospect I consider myself lucky that it's happened while I'm so young! Why? Because I was forced into a decision. That decision was whether to learn about and embrace 'the immense personal power that we have to determine our own health and fitness', or whether to accept an illness and a lifetime of deterioration whilst following and never questioning the generic medicinal routes (including side effects) of today that are accepted as the norm. And I still have a whole lifetime to learn about it and live as a truly well person!

So why am I talking about being bullied, or not being myself, or eating too much sugar, or even being thin? Because every element of that contributes to a person's overall 'wellness'. 

When I munched away on pick'n'mix and sherbet dib dabs, I was feeding disease. Whilst at my fittest and strongest, my body was a bundle of inflammation and stress; I was eating what my perception of healthy was because it resulted in me being slim, but I wasn't actually feeding my body with true knowledge about how to optimise its performance and prevent disease. (Which is happening!)

I lived on nervous energy and 4 hours sleep, little did I know about the actual science behind a good nights sleep. I got sick. 

I had developed such a strong persona  of 'me' that I had lost the actual real me, and the things that are fundamentally what define me as a person, and hadn't a clue about how this can influence your health.

Now I try to achieve a balance in every aspect of my days, I eat cleanly and specifically to reduce the inflammation in my body and brain. Meditation is not the hippy dippy humming that I once thought it was, and I don't waste every day worrying about being worried. As opposed to hammering myself in the gym, I have a very balanced approach to strength and cardio that is helping to build stamina and reduce fatigue. Instead of having the strongest 'career girl' image that I could, Im still doing a great job but challenging myself to talk about what is actually happening in my life and be myself. (That's what this blog is about!). I play the piano again, which is a defining part of me too.

Im not perfect. But I'm trying to learn as much as I can to be the best version of me. 

What frustrates me? When people talk about their illness, and aren't ready to help themselves.

Ive had it all, 'You can't be that sick to be able to heal yourself with food', 'You might be able to do that but I suffer from this, this, this and this and I couldn't do that because....'

Let's be clear. I spoke with a slur, had a droopy face, walked with a limp, lost my train of thought mid sentence all the time, and couldn't stand for long. I don't anymore...

But I do understand that society has taught us to accept this and to medicate, and that it is easier to accept our own excuses for fear of perhaps failing, than striving to do it the natural way. Illness can be all consuming. It's tough to take the first steps.

We are encouraged not to understand our primal abilities to work towards and achieve a supreme level of health. I've only turned the first couple of corners, but I'm excited about the rest of the way!

My neurologist is an absolute gem of a man, but he refuses to discuss the effects that nutrition has had on my MS. He is delighted at the lack of new lesions, he is astounded that those on my brain have reduced a little in size. And says that this is simply not possible without medication.

But I HAVE done it. I have plenty of hiccups on the way, but hate to think where I would be if I hadn't begun this journey.

I'm no longer slurring, and have a snippet of superwoman! 

When the time is right, and you are ready to give it a go... You CAN do it too. 

Its all about the balance.

Dragging my bag of bricks out of bed, 

washing down a couple of Nurofen Plus with a swig of water, the bricks would feel marginally more feather like, and I would get on with my day. Focused on achieving, I wouldn't stop to hear my body screaming at me, and would do just that - achieve. Glancing at my watch and working back how much time I had to fit everything in - I'd throw myself into the gym - push until the sweat was dripping off me, and zoom back home to get ready. Some days I would get ready to go to a friends for dinner, some days it was another night out. Knocking back the painkillers I used to get through it until sheer exhaustion made me sleep.

Loving my friends. I literally would drop everything and drive an hour to help one out. 

Not once did I consider if they would ever return the favour. 

Not once did I consider why I ached so much. 

I thought that everyone did.

Fast forward. 

I am absolutely not perfect, and not quite where I want to be. But I'm truly content in each and every moment of that journey. I still love my friends and would do anything for them, but I do it for those that actually love me too. A few have dropped out on the way, those that weren't happy that I no longer physically killed myself to drive to them when I ached. Not once did they actually digest the reasons why - or it even occur to them that they could have tried. I wish them the best! But I've drawn the line. Ive consciously surrounded myself by people that care. I still love to train! But no longer do I push my body until a droopy smile is the only warning sign that I listen to. I live a balanced life. I still love a night out, but never to the extreme. Nutritionally, socially, mindfully, physically, its all in sync. Sometimes the balance tips a bit - but the fact that I'm tuned in to my body now means that I rapidly readjust. And the result? 

I can't remember the last time I took painkillers. 

I let myself have downtime.

I don't live in a whirlwind of anxiety. I'm happy.

Now I'm learning and opening my mind every day.

So heres the killer statement. MS. Is my gift. 

MS, Demyelination, whatever label you want to give it. It made me stop and start to live my life. I could never have kept up the life I lived before, and unfortunately I ignored every sign my body gave me until I was ambulanced away with a suspected stroke and this journey began. No I'm not a tree hugging angel that never has a down day, I'm a real person with peaks and troughs. But I won't invite negativity into my life. 

Early on in this journey, I met a really lovely guy with MS, who told me that he used to be like me with a good job and life... but that I would eventually accept that I had to give up my career and start walking with a stick. A confusing message that didn't help. 

I will never deliver that same message. 

I welcome the opportunity to learn from others, I wouldn't have got this far without them. And not everyone is in the same place, thats cool. But I refuse to live in a constant stream of drug induced side effects - Ive taken ownership for my life and in doing so started to live it. 

Oh and by the way. I deadlift at the gym and still achieve. You def can too! 

Feel it, Acknowledge it, and Open Your Eyes!!

The only way to describe Mary.... 

Is the stereotypical (although no less magical) image of a frail and ageing lady. Think of a Roald Dahl   masterpiece, depicting a frail and tiny little thing, shoulders slightly hunched, and so slight that when sat in an arm chair - she looked like a character from the set of Tom Thumb. Her legs dangling slightly from the chair, her face heavily creased with life, teeth slightly blackened and far fewer than there had been in her hay day. Her hair, wispy and barely there - but never the less -  combed to perfection. 

But the day that I met Mary, she wasn't sitting in the comfort of an Arm Chair.

Nor did she have the privileged life of a character from a story book. Stuck in London traffic with my boyfriend, we were crawling along, on a pretty bright and airy day. His attention had been
caught by something, and I could see his glance return repeatedly, finally saying that he didn't think the lady by the road was ok. I followed his gaze.... and there she was. That frail little character, with one huge shopping bag on her arm, leaning forward to step from the roadside curb, then her confidence failing her - leaning back to avoid taking that step. Again and again she tried and failed. 

Whipping the car out of the traffic, we set out to see if she was ok. 

Swiftly deciding that a 6"2 male stranger had potential to intimidate the  5" nothing little lady, I stepped out of the car and over to see that she was alright. She had tears in her eyes when she realised that she wasn't alone, and graciously accepted my help. Feeling how unsteady and seeing how weak she was - I gently told her that she could trust me, and that I would drive her home. I'm glad that she did. 

Only being able to describe it as scooping her into the car, strapping her in, (my boyfriend got out and went on his way to the shops) thats where our new friendship began. 

We both were keen to find out about each other! 

Mary was a real chatterbox, and my heart ached a little at her enthusiasm to take that opportunity to talk - despite how fatigued she was. We swapped stories of where we were from, how old, and within the space of 5 minutes she had told me that she was 89, and currently having chemotherapy. My jaw nearly dropped, and heart ached a little more at the way she swept her own challenges aside, and homed in on me! Saying that I was so sorry to hear that, she dismissed it and began asking if my health was good, expressing her greatest wishes hoping that it was! Faced with the aftermath of her most recent chemo, we realised that Mary had walked for nearly 2 miles with a bag that may as well have been a lead weight, was so exhausted she was terrified to step from the curb (did I say... she's 89 ?!). Yet she sat next to me chattering away in a mild cockney accent, and saying that she was alright, that I was what mattered.

Back to earth with a bang! 

That was me. Moments before, I'd had a (prolonged) moment of self indulgence. I was tired, had a cold, in the aftermath of the neuro flare up, and decided that I was fed up and going to feel that way. And with a bolt of magic - Mary appeared. Kind, struggling, and oozing empathy! Now Im a fan of a bit of self pity, its healthy to acknowledge it, wallow for a while, and I'm 100% not saying that you should never let yourself feel that way! What I am saying, and aiming to do, is to allow it, acknowledge it, but only if I consciously open my eyes at the same time.

Cup half empty or full... on steroids.

Allowing and acknowledging it, allows me start to process the 'it', the feeling, the worry. Literally letting me digest it, take the good that I can and get rid of the negativity! By opening my eyes, I may not always come across a self-less little character like Mary to bump me into the reality of seeing the positive things in my life, but I do promise that it lets me see some brightness, consider what I love doing, and absorb the lesson or positive of whatever challenge has had me feeling blue - shake it up with some reality, and results in a stronger (and happier) me. The more I practise, the more I see.

When I was still in London, I used to visit Mary for a cup of tea. She never ceased to amaze me, and made me laugh with her lectures to Alan about us not getting any younger. There were tears when we moved!

Maybe you have your Mary round the corner? Open your eyes and say hello. :)

I'm Back!!!

So I promised tales of Mary...

And I'll keep that promise but not today I'm afraid. Today is about shirking anonimity and challenging myself to reflect on why I've been AWOL.

Sheer Panic.

Massively understates how I reacted when I realised that someone from my 'normal life' had added me to their Google+ profile! Shock. Horror. How did they find me? Where was the link? Suddenly there was a solid connection between the persona that the world sees of me every day, and the me that had been baring my soul - or my version of that online!! I can guarantee that that person probably didn't read my blog. They were no doubt blissfully unaware of the chaos that my little world had just spiralled into.

Profile Photo... Deleted!!

I frantically tried to get rid of any recognisable trace of me. Uncomfortable with how awareness of my blog may affect my life, and peoples perceptions of me. Ironic... considering I encourage as many people as possible to read it, but the difference is that I feel that a stranger online, or my new acquaintances, have nothing to judge! We undoubtedly have similar challenges, and interests, and will hopefully have some gems that we can share with each other, and that I can learn from too! But I allowed that one blissfully unaware person, and the thought of the loss of that anonymity, to make me scarper from anything online, and turn my back on something that has been helping me to develop, learn, and that I genuinely enjoy.

Hence no blogging since March. 

Of all my posts so far... this is the one that has stumped me. It's hard to verbalise, what some may consider to be an irrational fear - of a journey regarding health - becoming more common knowledge in my real world, and how that has made me feel. It definitely felt like a loss of control. It's also prompting bigger topics in my thoughts, about how health can not only affect your life, but the opportunities that others may or may not be prepared to give you or involve you in, on the basis of that.

There is soooo much to catch up on!! I've moved countries, had a couple more mountains to climb and conquered a few too!! 

For now... I'm considering how I can keep achieving in all the areas of my life - and begin to incorporate both the online and 'real' worlds! Any tips? 

Everyone has a Story.

Slurring to Superwoman... The Journey. So where am I with that??

Firmly on my way to Superwoman, or rather 'my version'. Thats where! The learning curve has been rapid, the progress a little glitchy, and rather than the end being in sight, I now accept that this is a way of life, and hopefully a never ending curve of (and opportunity to) improving myself.

My greatest challenge has been mental. I made it back to the gym in January.

I was nervous, self conscious, slightly embarrassed, sceptical of my abilities and fearful of causing myself harm  - I struggle to define the line between motivation and stupidity, and exercise no matter what level you are at, is all about it being hard. That's what gives results! But taking a step back... the night before I was admitted to hospital last year, I made it to the gym. Feeling quite frankly - horrific. I told myself that results come from going when you least want to... and bob's your uncle the next morning the face droop added to the slurring of speech - and this story started. Now I don't doubt that I would have had the same symptoms the next day with or without the gym that night... but it all added to the fear factor.  

Without labouring how mortified I felt,

I just wanted to give up after the first day. Don't get me wrong, when I was given the go ahead for a little exercise last year - my limit of 5 minutes on the cross trainer actually had the soles of my feet shaking - I knew that I had already come a long way. But I struggled to lift a 2KG weight on each arm. 2KG.... I think your granny could do that!! I was absolutely sure that people were thinking how pathetic an effort it was. 

Another belter of a boyfriend comment.

If you've read my other posts, you will know that my bloke often comes out with an incredibly motivational peach of a line. This was another of those! Talking about how frustrated I felt, he reassured me, simply by saying that the number on the weight means something only to me. My muscles don't recognise a number, they simply recognise that they are working... and in time will get stronger - at which point I increase  that number on the weight. It quite simply carved out a way forward for me, mentally. 

The next hurdle was simply to keep going. Followed by realisation that everyone has a story, whether you know it or not. Yes I'm sure that some people thought that my level of effort appeared low, but that was their perception, not the reality!! 

The glitches are there, 

I started patchily, and avoided the mirror for fear of an uneven smile - now I can lift 8KG on each arm... 4 times where I started 2 months ago!!!!! Most importantly, I feel stronger and healthy. I spent a day skiing this week, if I hadn't started that gym journey I would never have managed - and what's better for your soul than spectacular sunshine and a view of the Scottish Mountains!

There have been quite a few magical moments

that I would like to tell you about. I don't know if I have more of these now, or just now notice them.... but Mary - a late 80 year old little angel, made of sterner stuff than Kevlar and with a heart of gold will be my next tale. This lady both humbles and motivates you just by being her! 

But that's it for now. Will tell you all about Mary soon... 

Forget about the Botox - And start living again!

Uneasy. Unprepared. Hopeful. Frustrating. Tiring. Exhilarating. Painful. Precious. Optimistic. Reflective.

A few words that have been related to getting old... Whether you are making that transition from teens to twenties, 60's to 70's, or like me - the first step in the flirty 30's; There is something about the number of candles that grace your birthday cake, that conjures up a cauldron of mixed emotions. The most
common one, is reflection. Where are you in life? Is time running out? What have you yet to achieve?

Is this healthy? To measure every precious moment? Botox may freeze the facial crinkles... But it doesn't freeze life.  

Isn't it perhaps more beneficial to be embracing the challenges that life throws at us, and be remoulding, flexing, establishing our new boundaries and getting pleasure from adapting to, and pushing towards them? That is...after all...what life is. And if you could stop the hands of time, wouldn't that be an almighty shame? To miss those experiences that truly shape humanity?

Determination. Enthusiasm. Embracing. Adapting. 

A few more words that CAN relate to ageing. The other night I watched a captivating programme on Channel 4, titled 'Fabulous Fashionistas'. And the ladies that featured in it ranged from early 70's to their 90's! All had one thing in common - they had embraced age. They had embraced it - but not conformed. And the result of this game changing attitude? Just that - they were all truly living life more fully than the stereotype of old.  

Ok, so where am I going with this?

EVERY word that I have listed, can be applied to what you and I are going through. I'm going to suggest 2 more.

Acceptance.

Wouldn't it be amazing, if we could accept what has happened or is happening to us? I accept... that acceptance doesn't happen over night. Different things will help each of us in different ways. It may be Counselling; Blogging;  Talking; Writing; Meditation; Listening to others in the same boat; It may be fast, or it may be slow. And you know what? We may reach that stage of acceptance, and something may throw a spanner in the works again!! Then? We need the determination to embrace change again... start at the beginning, and experience the roller-coaster ride of acceptance again. 

Challenge.

Depending on what is happening in your life - there may be countless challenges to face.  Face them head on. This may involve adapting, will definitely involve some unease and frustration, but I guarantee  that the outcome will be exhilaration. At the moment, I'm challenging myself to actually slow down in order to go faster. My natural inclination is a hundred miles an hour, but I know that in my case that may result in a few steps back. By slowing... I aim to soon be in a position to then start to achieve my fitness targets. Thats physically. Mentally... This has forced me to be me. I feel exposed writing this blog. I'm getting better at talking about how I feel. I now aspire to inspire!  

I'm not saying "Forget it! Chin up!"

But rightly or wrongly this is the hand that we are being dealt. We can immerse ourselves in pain and depression, and NOT actually live and feel the new moments of our lives. That's not for me. Shun the stereotype. I'm making a conscious decision, to forget about the botox - and start living again. 

We may have a few wrinkles or scars - let that shape us - but not define us. 

Swinging from the Chandeliers - how food is helping me to!

When everything in life has a question mark over it, the only certainty that remains is that you are you, and that is the most important thing that there is. 

For me, whipping away the gym, the drinks and eating out with friends...the fun times, has left me with an awful lot of time to consider the me before my drama, the me now, and the me that I want to be. The latter - isn't going to happen overnight, and I initially suffered that classic 'whats the point?' as the little that I can do now, isn't going to get me to the refreshed/want to be me very quickly. However in a particularly profound moment, I turned into one of those cryptic status updaters on facebook...

"No matter what your current limitations, be the best that you can be here and now. That best will be better soon."

I realised that if I do everything that I am able to right now, to the very best of my ability... even if that best is only a little...gradually I will push those boundaries - and shift my best to better. Next stop? The me I want to be.

Where have I started? 

FOOD.  By food, I don't mean in order to lose the pounds, or undertake any kind of fad. I am stupidly fortunate, that my Sister's best friend is a food geek. And did a little of her own research...that started with a you tube clip. Its about feeding your brain, and eating for your mitochondria... stick with me. Firstly, lets talk about the only thing that matters, the RESULTS. 

After 2 days - I felt mentally alert for the first time in months!! 

Week 1 - Headaches have improved, energy levels are up.

Week 2 - Feeling stronger and not napping every time I get in the door. 

Week 3 - I have just had a pretty much NORMAL weekend!!! Don't get me wrong, no swinging from the chandeliers, but it wasn't ruled by fatigue!! 

I take zero credit for anything related to this diet 

The aim is simply to share with you how great it has made me feel, and hope that sharing it will help some of you to improve what may feel desperate. Yes, I would have gradually improved anyway. But I guarantee that the food focus has massively accelerated me closer to the land of the living. Although only you can be the judge of that for you. My results have been immediate, it may take different people with different problems different times. Now have a look:

MS Diagnosis or no MS diagnosis

This way of eating is a keeper for me.  I'm actually saving money by buying fresh food from the grocers, butchers, fishmonger; And embracing my inner domestic goddess and the satisfaction of eating properly. Yes it takes a lot of thought to begin with, but that starts to become second nature. And as a curry loving foodie - I promise you that it's not as bad as it may sound - its tasty. The best thing? Im never hungry! I would love to hear about any of you that do this already, or how you get on after trying it - tips and tricks would be brilliant.

The one thing that has evaded me so far is the seaweed...its sat in a cupboard for a week - but tonights the night!! Seaweed is getting lucky!! 

Lollipop Moments!! A tale of inspiration.

Today is a good day.

I'm feeling better and better! There are various reasons for this... and I wanted to share a little feel good factor on a saturday morning. My feel good right now, is music. Last night I was swept away with the old school glamour of Top Hat, and today's agenda is Wicked.  Super indulgence on the show front. But you know what... I am sick of being sick!! It's so easy, when life isn't quite perfect, for that to become all consuming; Conversation is ruled by it; every moment of the day that takes you a step closer to fatigue reminds you of it; TV is distracted by thoughts about it; trying to fall asleep can magnify your thoughts about it; Dreams are full of it.... and then the daily cycle starts again. And you forget about the things that make you happy.

Break the cycle!! 

Challenge yourself, what do you love doing? Is anything stopping you doing that right now? In my case, yes. I am a gym bunny. And becoming a slightly chubby one at that. So while it is temporary that I can't do that, I'm remembering all the things that I used to do. 

Turn this on its head - being limited right now - is an opportunity to recapture a love that you may have lost sight of. 

I'm not saying it happens like magic, my Mum and Sister helped me to remember. Get your family or friends to help you. For me, playing the piano, and being creative tick those boxes. The plan is that this blog will satisfy an element of creativity, and the piano is in the pipeline! The icing on that cake is going to a show, and for me, that lifts my spirits and captivates me. I have woken up this morning feeling good... and incidentally - I feel a good few steps closer to getting back to the gym as a result. 

While I'm upbeat

I would like to share something that transformed my thinking, long before all these myelin sheath shenanigans started! A lollipop moment, in all simplicity, is a moment where someone, somewhere, has done or said something that has profoundly affected you and your life - and they may themselves, be absolutely oblivious to that. Have a look at the video, and all will be revealed!

My lollipop moment was recently.

Again, a boyfriend gem. (As I said in a previous blog, I reckon he's missed his calling in life!). Another semi tearful just got into bed moment, feeling a bit sorry for myself... and the poor bloke having to come up with a moment of genius. All he said, was that right now times were tough. But in 12 months time, I could be an inspiration to people. That's it! 

One massively straight forward comment

switched my brain. Suddenly instead of wallowing, I had refocused to 12 months ahead - where I wanted to be health and fitness wise - and how to get there. The plan for that isn't perfect just yet, but it exists. And it can only get better and better. And you know, just writing this today, has reinforced just how powerful his words were. That's where 'Slurring to Superwoman. The Journey.' came from. 

Now I'm off to get ready to go and immerse myself in music for the afternoon!! Go and do something that you love, and forget your problems for a while! 

A NEW kind of normal, finding it in the aftermath of a health hiccup.

I'm going to keep this one fairly short and sweet. 

Having been diagnosed with Demyelination of my Central Nervous System, I felt/feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over me. The next MRI, or results of which, will tell me if there are any more lesions on my brain and spinal chord. If there are, this could go hand in hand with a diagnosis of MS. 

The times that I get frustrated

Are the times where I think of being 'normal'. My sisters wedding in May - a normal, happy, energetic bridesmaid, ecstatic to see my big sister wed!! My boyfriends 30th - normal, loved up, lapping up his family's Irish hospitality! Even just going to the gym - normal, pushing  my boundaries, dripping sweat, feeling strong!! And now.... a little less every day... but the fatigue is unreal. Having to stop to rest on a wall during the short walk from the bus stop to my flat, is not cool. Nor is not being able to finish doing the dishes. If I have one tip, strategic disco naps are the key!! Mini rest then power up to do whatever you have your sights set on. Some days I'm able to count my blessings with ease. And some days I get pretty down that this has all happened, and not knowing if Ill be 'normal' again.  

On one particular evening

My boyfriend and I had just gone to bed. Tearfully, I explained that I was finding it hard and just wanted to be normal again!!! And he hit me with this almighty gem. "I know babe... I know its hard... but together  - we will find our new normal." Wow! 

Such a simple point, and a massive impact.

It hit me like a bolt out the blue, and inspired me, that as I gradually get better, I will find my new ways of doing things, and we will find ways to adapt to it together. And gave me ridiculous amounts of heart - that dark cloud has a wee bit of sunshine peaking through!! Just one of the many snippets that my boyfriend has started to share... I swear... he should have been a philosopher. 

Immune gone Ninja! How mine declared war on my brain.

About a month prior to all of this 

I had been really unwell with some kind of flu/virus, and never really got back on track. This was apparently the trigger for my 'super' immune system to fight off any illness and go on a ninja-esque mission that included attacking my brain! I kind of appreciated the positive spin that he was putting on this, but as he began to sketch out the explanation it became less superhero and a bit more real.

In essence 

your brain's 'electrics' or axon, are insulated, this insulation is called myelin. And these electrics are the control centre for your bodies central nervous system. When my white blood cells, which are your immune cells, went on their mission, they included attacking the insulation (myelin) in my brain. Having eaten their way through it, they essentially short circuited my body. The result was my slurred speech and droopy face. Fantastic.

This had shown up in my MRI scan - as 2 points of inflammation on my brain, one scar from a previous injury also showed up. He explained that a singular instance of this was called neuritis, and could happen to me one, thrice, or numerous times in my lifetime. Throughout, he had asked me to concentrate, as it was vital that I understood, I suppose I was slightly carefree in reciting his explanation back pretty much word for word. Of course I wasn't happy about it, but suppose was in some sort of shock having expected an all clear, and lets face it, anything to do with your brain is scary stuff. What came next however, shook me. He explained that when this happens on a recurrent basis, that is what is called multiple sclerosis. 

I think I swallowed

tried to digest it, and maintain a fairly steely exterior. Unsuccessfully! Tears rolled down my face and my consultant gave me a cuddle! At this point I was also incredibly conscious that Martin, a nurse of the same age as me, was standing with us. Having provided an element of normality for me while I had been in hospital, we had chatted music, general banter;  and now albeit not a current diagnosis  of MS but the potential for one,  everything felt unreal - and his presence somehow made it all the more surreal. 

The consultant continued to explain a little more

said he would see me very soon for another MRI including my spinal chord, and said bye bye. Martin told me that he would leave the curtains closed and give me some time, and I began to digest everything. Having taken a few moments, I knew I should pull myself together - my mum had arrived from Scotland and would be arriving with my boyfriend. I wanted to put on a brave face and go home! 

This may all sound very dramatic

but I had spent the prior few days with very limited visitors and all my own thoughts. And when I had convinced myself that I would be ok, and the fact that the words multiple sclerosis had even been uttered with any relevance at all to me - I had got a big fright!

Knowing that I wouldn't be able to explain everything to my boyfriend and mum face to face with the steely exterior in tact, I text my boyfriend the basics, and they both arrived looking pretty sombre. But I was ecstatic to see them nevertheless!! 

So the official diagnosis was acute demyelination of the central nervous system. 

It's not all doom and gloom. I had my second MRI this week. Whatever the results - I'm trying hard to get better , and dying to get back to normality! 

This was not how my Wednesday was supposed to be

I had arrived at A&E  

and was pretty hurriedly taken through to a doctor. She was hugely matter of fact, and put me at my ease. Doing all the tests for reflex and reaction, regresses you (or at least me!) into a child like state, and I was pretty proud of myself when my knee bounced back to her prods. She openly ruled out Bells Palsy, then disappeared for quite a bit! Cue boyfriend arriving with an anxious look, and me starting to think things were looking fairly ok. (This proved to be a pattern that would repeat all week... Disaster... Not so bad...Disaster... you get the idea.)

When the Doctor reappeared

she said that she had phoned a neurologist from another Hospital, who wanted to see me immediately. Rapidly an ambulance crew appeared and before I knew it boyfriend and I were tucked up in the back of it. Again, a lovely team, the lady in the back with us was doing all her tests and telling me that the blue lights would go on, but not to worry, it would just make sure we were whizzed there faster. Other than the siren, silently, we were on our way. 

Nearly there

I burst into tears, it had suddenly hit me what was happening. This was not how my wednesday morning was supposed to be!! 

Stupid as it sounds

when I realised that I wasn't in the 'normal' part of A&E, I just kept thinking that there were people who needed to be there more than me, and to go and help them. As a team of people started repeating all the tests and firing questions at me, I could see a poor man across the room from me, he was actually grey, covered in a wet sheen, he was in the midst of a heart attack. The flurry calmed a little, and a consultant told me she didn't think that I was having a stroke, but gave me blood thinners to make sure that I didn't, and admitted me. 

In a bed in an Acute Stroke Ward

I gazed around me. To my left, right, everywhere... so many ladies, old ladies, some couldn't speak their stroke had been so severe, none could move without assistance. And lovely wee Esther! She recited poetry (endlessly) out loud. When she was in her chair, her legs were so tiny they dangled down like a child, I thought she was like a Roald Dahl character. Esther and my ipad entertained me! Anyway, I was pretty self dependant, and although the nurses were constantly there, left me to it. 

The days passed

visitors of the other ladies kept saying how young I was to be there. I kept thinking yeah I know, and that slowly registered with me. My CT scan had been clear, as had my x-rays. My symptoms however, were slightly changing. My face had improved dramatically with some facial exercises I was given, but sometimes the numbness would spread up my face, or down my right side, or even across my tongue. These changes, hinted at perhaps a rare form of migraine, and not a stroke. Slowly I convinced myself that it was only a headache! This was the suggestion of a doctor. The circle of consultants surrounded my bed on a daily basis and promised they would get me out asap, I was only waiting for an MRI.

Friday came

I knew that it was D-day as to whether I would have to stay the weekend!!! One false start... taken down  and back without a scan... on edge I was desperate to get out. I eventually got one! Confident that the consultants would surround my bed that day, tell me that I was all clear, and to go home. I honestly in my heart thought that would be the case.

Consultants appear. Curtain drawn. Susie this is Dr...... I stopped paying attention, desperate to get to the point. 

The results of your MRI were not clear. Don't worry, you don't have a brain tumour. WHAT??!! That didn't even cross my mind!!!!! 

The others disappear, Dr.... sits down next to me... and starts to tell all.

I'M NOT DRUNK!

Let me set the scene... 

I'm 31, I have a brilliant job, amazing family, and a boyfriend that has made me the happiest that I've ever been. I eat really well, and train hard. All in all, pretty peachy, healthy, and a lot to be thankful for! Right? Well the curve ball that set the ball rolling for this blog wasn't in the plan! 

It started on the day of the Men's Wimbledon Final.

Spectacularly sunny, a few of us headed to a local beer garden showing the match. My favourite pint of cider in hand, I settled down to watch the game, and we swapped notes excitedly between sets! Except... I was slurring my words a little... Shame faced I checked and had only had about a third of my pint...how embarrassing...I assumed everyone would think I was drunk! Quietly I sipped my drink, and just tried to enjoy Andy Murray winning. 

Lets jump to Tuesday. 

Everything was getting hard. If I had closed my eyes, I would have been fast asleep. I was avoiding taking phone calls, or having any unnecessary conversations. I can only describe trying to speak, as dragging the words through thick, sludgy mud, and trying to push them out to form a word. Our weekly managers meeting was unavoidable. At this point, the problem was very real, usually pretty opinionated with a solid input, I was dreading simply speaking. When the time came that I could no longer avoid it, I rapidly apologised saying that I was stuttering a little, and please to bear with me! I knew that my speech had reached a point where the only sane conclusion by my colleagues, could be that I was drunk or on drugs of some sort in work. Not a good look! I struggled through the meeting and the rest of the day, and looking back made a mental decision. I really thought that I was just tired and stressed, and didn't want that to be an excuse not to train. 30 minutes later on the treadmill I just couldn't carry on, but still convinced myself that a good nights sleep would do the trick. 

Wednesday morning. 

Sleepily, I pretty much jumped out of bed, out the door, and onto the bus. I had been bare faced the day before and thought I better make a little effort, with colleagues having asked if I was ill. A bit of lippy works wonders after all! Well in this case, my scarlet lipstick was what shocked me into reality! I can do my lipstick without a mirror, its fair to say Im a bit of a pro, but checking it in my small vanity mirror, one side of my mouth looked really low. Hastily checking where I had put the liner I didn't really believe that I could have got it that wrong. As it slowly dawned on my that I hadn't, and that one side of my mouth was lower than the other, my heart started racing. Trying to smile into the mirror - only one side of my mouth smiled back at me. Panic. My mind was racing and tears rolling down my face, this must be a stroke? Good god why wouldn't my face move? Other passengers peered a little anxiously in my direction. So I wiped my eyes, told myself not to panic, and to check it in a full sized mirror in work. The rest is a blur. All I remember is standing in front of the mirror and realising that I was right. Still determined to be composed, I went to grab one of the other managers. On being greeted by one, I broke down straight away in a mess of tears, hyperventilating, and trying to get my words out. They tried to stay calm and were brilliant, but even through my shock I could see the realisation on their face, "you were slurring yesterday weren't you, you were getting annoyed with yourself...". That plus a droopy face equals something seriously wrong. They grabbed another female manager, who positively took my arm, and marched me to A&E. 

So the scene is set! 

I'll tell all that happened next and since then. I don't know if this blog will interest anyone...but my plan is use it to document my journey. 

The journey that started with slurring... and it may well be my own version of her...but will end with superwoman.